Amazon Berries, Secrets From the Orient, and Oprah

So I guess there’s a new secret weight loss product that people are asking about. Since the good Dr. Oz and Oprah speak about it, that should tell you that it’s a message straight from heaven. So here we go.

People ask my opinion about this and since I don’t watch Oprah, it’s hard for me to learn about this stuff. I thought I knew a lot about nutrition, after all, I eat things that fall under the category of nutrition everyday. We studied it in school to the nth degree.

So here’s my biased opinion about new diets in general:

If it’s a fruit, vegetable or whatever from another country it can’t be too fresh by the time it hits my mouth.

If I have to buy it from an “independent distributor” then I’ll wait for next years’ miracle.

If it’s a “secret” than I’m not the one that should be involved. I was the worst at keeping secrets when I was a kid.

If I get a bathrobe with the purchase, I don’t want it.

If it involves a capsule, it can’t be as good as the real thing.

If a major nutritional company doesn’t make it, I don’t want it. I want to make sure the stuff is clean.

Try this:

Since Dr. Oz has his special diet, I figure I can come up with one. It’s sure to make you lose weight because it’s low in carbs (that’s very popular right now), won’t kill you, and has the whole “colon-cleansing” buzz to it.

I’m being serious here, go to the supermarket or Costco and buy the following items. This will last you for one week. Figure out how to cook them with the combined ingredients. Try to not eat anything other than what’s on this list.

3 lean steaks
2 salmon steaks
Iceburg lettuce
5 pounds of broccoli
3 pounds of tomatoes
Olive oil
Garlic
Basil
Dozen eggs
5 lemons
Low fat cheese
Deli turkey
2 bags of almonds
1 bag of walnuts

The great thing about my diet is that I tell you WHAT to eat rather than what NOT to eat! Isn’t this great?

So your goal is to figure out how to eat all this stuff during the weak. I might write a book or go on television some day with this diet. All I need to do is to speak with an Australian accent and wave my arms a lot. Then I’ll need to find a very pretty but curious interviewer that can ask the appropriate questions and I’ll be set for life.

Hey, and it’s only$19.95 plus s&h.